Housesitting 101

The events depicted in this story are not fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is not coincidental.  Parts not affecting the outcome of the story may have been edited.

At the end of June, we were given the opportunity to housesit for a month.  One of Neil’s workmates was going overseas to get married, and then embarking on a honeymoon for a month; so if we wanted it, his place was ours.  We jumped at the chance for more than one reason;   to give us some more living space, to enable Murmie to escape her prison and set paw on some grass, and not least of all to save a bit of money.

Neil’s contract pays for either accommodation in a motel or $430 a week for rent; as the rent on offer was $370 a week, Neil would net around $240 for the month.  Also, as I no longer needed to pay the additional motel accommodation for the school holidays, I was saving approximately $490.

Unfortunately, in just under two weeks, we’ve caused around $1,317.00 worth of damage.

Within minutes of arriving at her new open-plan prison, Murmie was off doing a reccie.  Thinking she’d be fine and it would be pointless to follow her around, I went off to unpack some bags and get dinner ready.  Neil and I walked back into the lounge at the same time, to be greeted by the sight of Murmie halfway up a net curtain.  Upside down.  Simultaneously yelling at her while lunging at her to get down was probably not wise given her skittish nature, but I panicked. 

So did Murmie. 

As the weight of her attempted dash ripped a hole in the net curtain, she dropped lower, let go of the curtain, and clawed at the air until her she managed to lodge them into a solid object to slow her fall.  As she slid down the leather couch, we could only watch on helplessly and hope that we could buy brown nugget at the supermarket.

Net curtain                                                     $30.00

Nugget                                                            $4.50

or                                                                         

Leather couch repairs                                  $3,200.00

By 5pm on our second night here, I’d completely unpacked, cooked dinner, done the washing, called the kids and played Facebook games for six hours, so I decided to set up a nice surprise for Neil when he got home.

[Spoiler alert:  this is not a “Shades of Grey” copy-cat]

I ran him a bath, poured him a red wine, and when he got home pulled all his clothes off [OK, in hindsight, maybe HE thought it was going to get “Shades of Grey”] and sent him straight to the bathroom for a well deserved soak. 

I’d expected I’d be able to leave him to his own devices without too much trouble.  Perhaps I should have learned my lesson when Maz was three and painted Briar’s face and butt green that’s it not a good idea to leave inquisitive beings in the bath unsupervised. 

I used to put them in the bath and let them paint on the walls.  Easy to clean – both them and the walls – and no stains on the carpet.  The life lessons I learnt back then were:

a)  it’s quite difficult to get paint out of the hair of a rambunctious 12 month old;  

b) paint brushes used as weapons by 3 year olds can leave quite a welt on the butt of a rambunctious 12 month old.

And, for those people dialling 0800 CYFS, I didn’t actually ever leave them in the bath unsupervised.  Well, not back then; but I had to eventually.  I don’t think at 15 Maz would appreciate me washing her hair and blowing raspberries on her tummy.

Anyway, back in this decade - I’m in the kitchen getting ready to dish up dinner, when I hear the old familiar “..uh oh...”,  followed by the same sort of silence experienced in OJ Simpson’s house.

In his defence, the bath mixer did appear to be corroded right around the circumference; but the prosecutor would probably argue his sworn statement that he just “touched it just a little bit” with his toe.  When the entire thing fell into the bath and sank to the bottom, he claimed to be as shocked as OJ at this turn of events.

Bath mixer                                                  $100.00

The next day, I set about getting the girls’ rooms ready, and I recalled seeing some net curtains in a bag in the linen cupboard.  I got them out and measured them up for each room, deciding which would go where, when I noticed they smelt a bit funny.  Deciding a quick wash would bring them up again was in fact very accurate.  A quick wash made them appear like a dingo had brought them up.  Via his oesophagus.

Net curtains x3                                            $90.00

As I busied myself ruining all the house fittings, Murmie quickly relished having a backyard to explore.  Despite my reservations about uninvited visitors, we left the security screen door open during the day, and the laundry window at night time, with her litter tray inside just in case.  I tried to tell her that it probably wasn’t a wise move poking her little paws into the ventilation holes in the house foundations, but she totally ignored me.  My fear of a snake grabbing her or a huntsman coming out on top of her paw was slightly less than my fear of a snake grabbing me or a huntsman coming out on top of my hand, so I left her to learn her lesson the hard way.

Feeling happy that she was comfortable outside, we didn’t pay too much attention to her ablutions.  I’ve expended enough energy on those activities in the last four months, so it was nice to finally have a break.

That’s why it came as a complete surprise to us when, on night 3, Murms wandered into the lounge, threw a casual glance in our direction, then peed in the corner of the lounge right beside the TV and home theatre system. When she finished, she walked out again without even a backwards glance.

DIY Carpet Cleaning Machine                     $50.00

On day four, I heard a car pull up the drive then there was a knock at the door.  No one official knew we were house-sitting for The Workmate, and I wasn’t too keen to blow his cover.   Peeking out the window, I saw a Tradesman’s ute.  And A Tradesman.  Unable to ignore the door, but at the same time unable to quickly explain my presence, I opened it a little and peered out like those Crazy-Cat-Ladies on movies.

“Hi….”

“Gidday love!  I’m here to fix the front door!”

I look at the fully-functioning front door, the edge of which is still pressed against my face.

“The property manager sent me around.  Apparently the Landlord wants a new door put on and I’m here to measure the old one!”

Sweet.  So this dude is neither a) the landlord, nor b) the property manager.  He has no idea who the tenant is, and he doesn’t need to know who I am or that I don’t belong here.

“Uh, hi.  I’m Karolyn… I don’t actually live here; we’re just house-sitting for the tenant who is away getting married.  Please don’t tell on us for having a cat here.”

He glances through the small gap at the living room which is devoid of any feline presence.  Glances back at me, glances through the gap again, then back at me.

Only then do I realise that not only am I still in my pajamas at 12.15pm, I’m also adorned in my dressing gown, Neil’s work socks and a scarf that I finished knitting about three minutes before he turned up.  And my hair looks like Adam Lambert’s on a no-wash day.

“So, hahaha, gosh, look at me, how rude, please excuse me still in my PJs, hahaha I’m so lazy, I’ve had a hard week and GOSH, this cold weather makes it so hard to get up in the morning, although the cat on the bed helps, she really loves being in a house, it’s so much warmer here than NZ though, so I should be thankful, although it’s colder than it has been lately, wow, when we first moved here it was sooo warm, I was on the balcony drinking wine by 2pm EVERY afternoon!”

Nicely played, I nod to myself.

A Tradesman looks worried and is slowly backing away from the door, glancing from his car to the neighbour’s house.

“Sorry, sorry, come in.  I’m sorry, please, measure the door.  I’ll go and get changed and leave you to it”.

So now I’ve told him I’m going to take my clothes off.

Two minutes later I remember that our bath spout is broken and realise that this handyman might come in handy.  Wondering how I’m going to redeem myself with him, unable to offer him a shrimp on the bar-b or a beer, I offer him a cup of tea. 

Thankfully he’s not suspicious being roofied, and takes me up on my offer.   I take the opportunity to down another caffeine hit to calm my nerves about getting snapped and I manage to hold up my end of a normal conversation.  We sealed the new friendship by scoffing at the landlord and his new door.  We could see nothing wrong with the front door being replaced, yet the back door was rotting, didn’t close properly, and for some weird reason had fresh cat claw marks on the outside.

Little did I know this would be the start of a mutually beneficial relationship. 

By the time he leaves I’ve convinced him to come back and fix the bath spout while he’s replacing the door.

 

Cover blown with Property             $Priceless

   Manager                                                          

After my hard day of subterfuge and seamless integration into the role of Legal-House-Occupier, I decided I deserved a cider.  Thankfully, Neil had also decided he deserved one just for working that day and had picked up something special on his way home.  It cost a little bit more than your normal everyday cider, but it’s a lovely drop and well worth every cent.  For this reason, I felt obliged to slurp most of it back up from the leather couch when the entire bottle spilt over, only missing the couple of hundred mls that fell through the Murmie-made slashes.

Leather couch treatment                         $150.00

Even though Neil and I had both voiced our dissatisfaction with the blatant flouting of house rules, Murms seemed to have started as she meant to go on.  Not once did we ever tell her it was acceptable to go outside, eat grass, come back inside,  reproduce the grass in it’s entire mass on the floor, then walk back outside to hide in the chilli bush.  I can only assume that she found this activity – and the ensuing panic, gagging and yelling – somewhat amusing, because she did it five times.

 Vomit on carpet in five rooms                   $50.00

Once the girls arrived, the house was a thriving hub of activity.  Most of it at 0600am when I was trying to sleep, but I did promise them when they were born that I’d love them no matter what, so I had to suck it up.

That, and just a little bit because it meant Ty would get into bed with me and snuggle for a while, then make me a coffee.  But mostly because I love them.

One particular morning, Briar found it quite an abomination that I wouldn’t let her have a turn on my laptop, even despite the fact that Tyra was halfway through a very serious exercise.    She was flinging those birds better than I ever could and we were about to beat Lisa’s high score.

Voicing her dissatisfaction in words that mean the same as “Mum, I’m very disappointed that I can’t have a turn, this also makes me quite angry, please be quiet Tyra your hair is a little dishevelled and you’re not looking your best, Mum you resemble a female bovine and you can both go and have intercourse”, she walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Unfortunately, although she would testify that she only closed it and that we’re all making this up and somehow, amazingly, the door must have taken that moment to deteriorate through fair wear-and-tear, the door ripped off it’s hinges.

Well, not all the hinges, I’m exaggerating slightly.  Just the top hinge.  So instead of being broken nice and level, the door is now on a lean and no matter how much I swear, push and yell, it’s just not going to close.

Door hinge & screws                                   $20.00

That night, because I’m still traumatised by the carnage in our house and can’t possibly be expected to cook, we took the girls out for Thai.  I found myself incredibly amusing making Ty-Thai jokes but for some reason no one else thought I was as funny as I did.  I think they must have been Tyred. 

Neil especially because he wasn’t his usual merry self.  So much so that when he left the room Maz asked me if he had his period.  I told her to stop being so immature.  Of course he didn’t.  It was PMT and you get that the week beforehand.

There was some degree of PMT happening that night - “Pay my Thai”.  For some inexplicable reason I’d left my wallet at home, but it’s entirely coincidental that we all ordered entrees and I had the seafood special for my main. 

In fact, so much food was brought out that we were unable to finish it all, so it was packed into little takeaway containers for us to enjoy the next day.  Upon arriving home, I put the bag down so I could show Neil the damaged door (might as well hit him while he’s down) and completely forgot about it until bedtime.

Unfortunately, as is quite reasonable to expect every now and then, I had absent-mindedly put the Thai food down on the bed.  I think the good quality seafood in my dinner might have compromised their budget for packing materials, because the red curry sauce had leaked from the container, through the bag and onto the bed.  So now, at about hip level, we had a nice red stain on the nice new bed.

Mattress protector                                     $60.00

Upholstery tool on Rug Doctor                    $15.00

Having been inspired by the Bed-Wrecking-Thai-Restaurant on our last visit, I’d made some curry puffs on my first day in the house.  Neil, when trying them for the first time, had looked at me completely awestruck, like some kind of Curry God, so figuring they were good I’d put some in the freezer to have with the girls.

A few nights after our Bed-Wrecking-Thai, we felt the tug of an addict needing a curry hit, so I got them out of the freezer and planned to cook the entire batch up for some pre-dinner snacks.

Who could have expected that the little sieve in the utensil drawer was made of plastic and not metal like most normal sieves?  Thankfully there wasn’t much of a plastic tasting taint to our snacks, and once I picked off the melted blobs from the outside, none of them were any the wiser.

New sieve                                                       $7.00

All the curry must have made the girls thirsty, because all the juice in the fridge disappeared like it had been zapped in a holocaust.  And although none of my girls have had accidents since they were about two, there’s clearly only so much juice that one small bladder can hold.  So it came to pass that for the first time in about ten years, at 0200hrs I was woken by one girl, standing in the doorway half shielded by the fallen door, unable to get into the room to tell me what had happened.

“It’s OK sweetheart” I said, thinking back fondly to my military work mates.  “I know grown men that this happens to frequently…”

Changing the bed without waking the other girl sleeping in it was next to impossible so after sorting the girl out, we did the Lets-Cover-This-With-Ten-Towels trick and I vowed to clean it in the morning.  Only when morning arrived, and I was laying the mattress out in the sun did I remember that The Workmate was returning home soon to this exact bed.  With his new wife.

Upholstery on Rug Doctor Part 2              $15.00

The next day, the house is having one of those rare, yet relatively peaceful, argument-free moments.  No one is calling anyone fat and ugly; there’s no hitting; and there’s no accusations of being adopted.

Then I remember what silence usually means.

Oldest – in her bedroom on her laptop. 

Check.

Youngest – in the bath singing some Pitbull song to Murmie. 

Check.

Middle – in the shower, but instead of yelling at me to “get out”, “go away”, “stop looking” and “don’t be a pevert”, she’s just standing there.

Uncheck.

“Mum, owwwwwww, my head, owwwwwwww, frick, that hurt so much OMFG owww Mum, aren’t you going to ask me if I’m OK????”

“What did you break, Briar?”

Much like’s Neil’s defence, she insisted that all she did was bend down to pick up her razor, and when standing, the soap dish that sticks out of the wall hit her head on the way up, snapped at the wall-mounting point, and smashed into smithereens on the shower floor.

This soapdish is TILED into the rest of the tiled shower recess.  Or was. 

Thanking my horoscopes that I made such a good impression with A Tradesman, I causally mention it to him on his next visit, along with the words “cash” and “please don’t mention this to the letting agency, landlord, neighbours or anyone else that lives in Richmond” and thankfully… he has tiling experience.

Soap dish and labour                                  $30.00

While retelling my soap-dish story to Neil, after plying him with some expensive cider and the promise of another bath, I casually lean back in my seat to convey to him that it’s really no big deal.  Problem all solved.  It’s not my fault that my coffee cup from 11 hours earlier was still sitting by my feet, one of the girls should have definitely clean it up by now.

Coffee on carpet                                          $50.00

By now I’m thinking we should have just bought a Rug Doctor.

When I first found out we were housesitting, I was excited by the mere fact that I could buy than one night’s worth of meals, and in a totally luxurious move, would even be able to freeze stuff.  This was what led to the 14 shopping bags full of food that I know had to sort in some fashionable sense in the new big fridge at our disposal.

Being just a teeny bit OCD meant I had already earmarked the top pull-out sealed compartment for my dips and other miscellaneous deli items.  Cheese, but not the block stuff.  Veges, but only the small deli punnets, not the large whole items.

When deciding for the fourth time that I wasn’t happy with the layout, the pull-out drawer got stuck.  Yelling at Neil – because somehow it was now his problem – he did the usual engineer thing and said he’d fix it soon.

4 seconds later I was sick of waiting so I did what most girls do when faced with a mechanical problem.

I slammed the fridge door shut hoping it would fix itself.

When I opened it again, I was delighted to discover that my method had worked and the drawer was back where it belonged.  The two little plastic lugs that fell out when I opened it were inconsequential, although Neil apparently thought otherwise. 

New fridge compartment                         $120.00

We decided at this point that we should probably cut our losses and leave if just one more thing broke.

It only took the girls a day to make themselves at home and be fully relaxed in The Workmate’s house.  Which, briefly defined, means there were hair straighteners, hair curlers, hair dryers, hair ties and mascara everywhere.  More so than Neil normally leaves lying around.

Being beautiful comes at a price, so our days normally began with around… say… three hours of prep work by two of the girls.  I won’t name which two, but Ty and I got to spend a fair amount of quality time alone together.

Obviously, it’s not at all possible for two sisters to share one large bathroom mirror, so I had assumed they were taking turns at hogging the bathroom.

One night, after a particularly disturbing discussion about Human Centipedes, ghosts, and Wolf Creek…

[NB:  the only movie ever which I’ve had to stop watching, at night time in the dark while living in a little sleep-out at Masterton Airport, and finish watching the next morning when the sun was shining with all the curtains wide open and 111 pre-dialled on my mobile]

…all five of us were standing in the kitchen when there was an almighty bang followed by a shattering sound.  Fight or flight kicked in and I apologised later to my family for leaving Neil to handle the girls while I took refuge under the Double-Thai-Stained-Bed in the Broken-Door-Room without even a backwards glance.

Upon investigation, we found the original art piece Mirror-With-Fish-And-Shellfish-Paintings on the floor in pieces.

“What the F*#K??”  I yell, as Briar poses the same question and I tell her off for her language.  “How the bloody hell did THAT happen?”

Looking around, waiting for Freddy or Jason to appear, we ponder this for a moment, then Neil has the intelligence to pick up the mirror – or what’s left of it - and check the back.

A simple explanation would transpire, in that the string on the back had rotted and worn through, causing it to fall from the wall.  I was still a bit sceptical, thinking perhaps Freddy had replaced the string while we weren’t looking just to lure us into the dark hallway, but Briar fessed up and said she’d been taking the mirror off the wall and using it in her room.

Irreplaceable One-of-A-Kind Mirror        $200.00

After seeing the girls off from their week’s holiday with us, I relaxed in the comfort of knowing that the damage had been done and things couldn’t possibly get any worse in The House of The Workmate.

To make the most of our last night with a real kitchen, I decided to make a bacon and egg pie.  Even though Aussie doesn’t have the beautiful streaky bacon that us Kiwis take for granted, I was confident I could still whip up something semi-tasty.

Putting my heart and soul into my final culinary masterpiece, I didn’t really notice when dishing up that the pie dish was stained.    When I went to do the dishes, I noticed it was a little hard to clean, so I left it soaking overnight.

The next day was Moving-Out-Day so I was busy packing bags, stealing cutlery, and using the washing machine one last time, when I suddenly remembered the pie dish.  Leaving it until last, giving it more time to soak, I went in to the kitchen as I was leaving to quickly clean it and put it away.

Turns out that whatever had leaked outside my baking paper had well and truly stuck to the pan and was not to be budged, and the pie dish now resembled my old pair of DPM pants.

New pie dish                                                   $8.00

I grabbed Murms, locked the door, and took off to the motel without a backwards glance.  Just to be certain there will be no repercussions, we are now to be known as Mr & Mrs Smith, address Darwin somewhere, and if anyone called “The Workmate” asks about us… you know nothing.

Total Housesitting Damage                      $999.50