Our Very Flash and Totally Luxurious Pacific Island Cruise

Wednesday 25^th April – Day 1, Embarkation Day

It’s fair to say that after being warned of an Impending-Mass-Killing-by-Zombie, I had a little trouble sleeping on ANZAC eve.  After a restless night, I woke at 0700 and rolled over to quickly check that Neil was still in possession of his brain.  Thankfully, he was still intact.

Having completely packed both my bags and our entire motel room the day before, as per my instructions, I was ready to be on the run at 0705.  Neil, however, was on a totally different timetable to me.  Somehow, he managed to enjoy a leisurely 20 min shower even while I was standing at the door reminding him every 30 seconds what the time was.

Once out of the shower, and after what I deem to be a far-too-leisurely coffee, he said he needed to pop out and grab something.  With my super-intelligent maths brain I realised he was talking about train tickets and scoffed at him saying we’d be fine.  After all, the train to the airport is never full… pfffft.  Novice.

The every-seat-taken-by-the-last-leg-of-the-trip situation we later found ourselves in was just a coincidence.

The waiting around was insanely excruciating, but I went down and annoyed the Slaves to make the time pass.  They suggested we might be doing a tour of China.

Finally it was time to leave so off we trundled with our bags packed and my finest “I’m Flying to Somewhere Very Exotic Today” outfit on.  The outfit lasted a little less than two minutes as I realised that Neil’s long stride vs my long dress + slip-on wedges was a very complicated equation.  This saw me running, in bare feet, suitcase in one hand, dress hitched up with the other while holding shoes, beside Neil all the way to the train station. 

But it’s ok, don’t panic.  We made it with 8 minutes to spare and not one zombie in sight. 

We still made sure, however, that we carried out a complete reconnaissance of the area. 

Neil caught some movement in his peripheral vision but luckily the train left just in the nick of time.

We were safe for now, but it appeared others before us may not have been so lucky.

 

The remainder of the train trip was pretty uneventful, except for the Big Baggage Move. We had all our baggage sitting on the seats opposite us, and as the train got fuller we discussed the possibility of having to carry it on our laps.  “Nah…” said I.  “There’s plenty of other seats here, they can sit somewhere else.  I don’t want to have to have our big bags on my lap”.

About three minutes later, I had our big bags on my lap.  The little asian lady who made us move them did say thank you, so I held off offering her to the zombies.

Convinced beyond any doubt that we were flying somewhere, I started getting anxious about which stop to get off at.  I mean, I love Neil to bits and have every faith in him if I want an aeroplane engineered, a car fixed or a computer rebuilt.  But directions are not his strong point, and we weren’t equipped with our faithful GPS.  As we approached Central Station, I got twitchy and asked him several times if he knew where we were getting off.  So to speak. 

As we pulled into Central, and he made no moves to alight, I nearly had an aneurysm.  You may think I was being a control freak, but to be honest I think I was concerned that the time delay in missing our connecting train would convert to at least one free drink at the Koru  Club Lounge.  As we pulled out of Central, he commented “the station we want is Sien-Tral I think it’s pronounced…?” 

A little while longer, he warned me our stop was next.  I must have looked like he’d just asked me to pickle some babies in vinegar, because he then justified his statement.  “These guys with their ANZAC medals should give you a clue”.  Oh shit… we’re going to a parade.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m more patriotic than the average person and under any other circumstances would love to be at an ANZAC parade. But this was Free Drink 2, 3 & 4 slipping out of my grasp as well as precious Duty Free Shopping time.

Trying to be appreciative, I smiled at Neil, who must have seen my disappointment like a neon light and said “they have fast jets in Aussie, remember?”

I was off that train faster than you could say after-burner, and I didn’t care how many Vets I knocked over in the process.  As we negotiated our way through the back streets of downtown Sydney, I became concerned again, until Neil said “I think it’s down by the water cos there’s a Navy display as well”.

Believing every word (because lets be honest, why wouldn’t I?  He says he loves me) I follow him down to the waterfront.  As we turned the corner to the wharves, I noticed a big white thing obstructing my view , but didn’t take much notice.  Commenting along the lines of “how embarrassing we’ve got all our luggage with us, never mind”  I was blindly following him agreeing without really listening, thinking how excited Kylie (Kyz as I like to call her) was going to be for me that I’d seen the fast jets. 

This was the big white thing obstructing my view.

As we got a little closer to the big white thing that was obstructing my view, I started noticing an increasing number of people with baggage.  Muttering “surely NOT?” but thinking “Oh em effing GEE I bloody hope so!!” I turned to ask Neil why these people had bags as well, but the look on his face said it all – we were going on a freaking CRUISE!!  I nearly sexually assaulted him there and then, but then realised I had a ship to board – which right at that moment was a little more enticing.  I cried, and we walked into the check-in area.

Check-in complete, we were given two cruise cards and told to carry them at all times – they were our room keys, our IDs, our credit card for any onboard purchases, and effectively our passports.  As she handed me mine, I cried.

Walking over to wait for our turn to board (they gave us a ticket with a group number on it which would get called through) it’s fair to say I was a little pleased.  Although I get the distinct impression that the lady behind me was completely nonplussed and has done this before… either that or she thought Neil was taking photos of her for his own private collection.

 

Once they called our group number, I again bowled several pensioners out of the way to be first in line.  I’m not proud, but it saved me a precious 11 seconds waiting in line.  We walked through an exact replica of border control at airports, the lady checked our passports, and told us to have fun.  I may have cried.

After an agonising wait at the gangway (that’s what we experienced Cruiser’s call it…) we finally stepped on board, to be greeted with this view.  I cried.

Neil had been given a handy tip – or a survival tip as I like to think of it - once on board, rush straight to the restaurant to start eating as soon as you can.  So we took off to our room to drop our bags off, and were greeted with this view.  I cried.

We even had a window, which apparently costs a fair bit more, but I’m worth it.

My cheeks were so sore from smiling I was sceptical about being able to eat, but turns out I needn’t have worried.  The buffet laid out before us was to die for – I ate like it was my last meal.  Which, if you recall, it might very well have been if the zombies were still after me.  We started as we meant to go on, and true to my word, I did nothing much but eat for the next ten days.

After lunch we waddled up on to the deck for the sail-away party.  The music started, the entertainers got on stage, the bar ladies walked around with cocktails.  The feeling seemed unanimous as we sailed out of Sydney, all the passengers were excited, ready to party and overwhelmed by the views.  We had a countdown as we sailed under the Sydney Harbour Bridge – once we were there we were officially on our way to the Islands!  Next stop, Vanuatu.  Oh, and I cried.

After celebrating with a cocktail, we went to make a reservation for dinner and explore the boat.  I can’t begin to describe how big it is, and compared to HMNZS Te Kaha, a floating paradise.  We found a theatre, a nightclub, a casino, an outside pool with a bar, three restaurants, a café, a BBQ café, three bars, a kids’s pool, duty free shops, and several lounge areas.

Once we’d finished exploring, we went back to our room to get ready for dinner.  The novelty of having a bathroom on a ship was too much to resist so I had to have a shower, then when I noticed we had a little clothes lines in our shower, I had to wash something.  While waiting for Neil to get ready, I put all our stuff away, utilising every single drawer and novel hiding place our room had to offer.  It was fun at the time, but we spent hours looking for the sunblock over the next week.

When we arrived at dinner, I felt so glamorous, like Rose on Titanic.  Except I’d already decided I’d definitely share my door with Neil if anything happened.  We were escorted through the beautiful décor of the tasteful restaurant to what soon became the norm for us – a shared table.  When making a booking, if you’re happy to share, they’ll pair you up with similar people.  As we were shown to our seats, I was a little disappointed to find we’d been led to a table with a somewhat quiet-looking middle-aged couple.  Where were Brad and Angelina, and what did we have in common with these people, I wondered?

Polite conversation about the dinner menu and wine soon turned into stunned silence from me (albeit only for a nanosecond) when she casually mentioned that she’d been married before, had three children including one with some behavioural/mental disorders, they’d been through Court proceedings for custody issues, her partner was the stepdad and had no children of his own.  Oh, and they liked wine.

Two hours later, Brangelina were all but forgotten and I’d bonded with two complete strangers.  The only reason we reluctantly left dinner was to head to The Marquee theatre to catch a show – because after all, we were posh now and that’s what posh people do. 

Before leaving we were coerced into attending a Wine Tasting event the next morning.  When I say “coerced” I guess it would be more correct to say I gave the waiter my name and room number before he’d finished his sentence, but it was a very convincing sentence. 

He was the first of several to ask us if we were on our Honeymoon, and looked a little alarmed when I had to give Neil the Heimlich manoeuvre.  He went on to tell us he was engaged to be married to a beautiful lady, which I found a little strange because he’s the most flagrantly gay Thai man I’ve ever met.  Perhaps someone should tell him what married people have to do.

Heading into the Marquee we found what we considered to be the best seats in the house, and what would become our regular spot.  Three rows back, so out of reach for the participative shows, but close enough to still see everything.  The opening show was a small taste of all things to come over the next week, and the performances were impressive.  Not quite Michael Crawford or Elaine Paige, but pretty damn close.  The comedian-slash-juggler proceeded to put the fear of life into Neil for the remainder of the week, merely by dragging a guy out of the audience and ending up in a position a Russian gymnast would be envious of, feet in the air, head nestled in the guys lap, juggling some balls. 

Luckily we had our next round of cocktails onboard which was enough to prevent him fleeing the theatre altogether.   His was a Toblerone cocktail too, which I was totally jealous of even though mine was a delicious Island Affair, and I have to admit I briefly contemplated volunteering him for the stage just so I could steal it.

After an exhausting day of excitement, spending, sunning, and not least, running from zombies; we retired to our luxuriously soft king size bed, and let the boat rock us to sleep like babies in excited anticipation of our next ten days’ adventures.